To those that know,
Abuse... This is something that growing up many unfortunately have went through and are all too familiar with. As I was growing up. When abused you feel like there is something wrong with you. Like it's your fault, like you are the bad guy. Maybe if you were just a better son/daughter maybe this wouldn't happen. you just aren't good enough. All of these things went through my mind as my father slammed up up against the wall as I smelled his jack Daniels breath breathing down my throat as he slapped me in the face and thew me down to the ground and started screaming at me. The words that I heard coming out of his mouth were ,"It's all your fault your moms this way" "You made her this emotional mess" "If you weren't ever born she wouldn't be going through this!" As I laid there and cried, emotionless, feeling the world on my shoulders as I picked myself off and headed to my room.
Growing up I thought this was normal. Like everyone had to go through this. Like everyone had gone through my pain. Seen what I have. Experienced the beatings. The late night crying. The constant paranoia of when he was going to come home.. What he was going to do. Always alone. With my depression, with my cuts. All of these thoughts rushing through my head reliving and reminiscing what had happened. Scared to leave my room. I finally realized that i truly was alone when I went over to my friends house and his parents were so cool. I felt like a king. They fixed us dinner. Sat down and had regular family talks that I only had dreams about. Then before we went to bed I heard his mom tell him that she loved him.
I felt my heart sink.. I thought right then and there that there really is something wrong with me. As I had gotten older into my teenage years it had only gotten worse as my dads alcoholism got worse as my moms prescription pill addiction. My parents ended up getting a divorce (long story) again I was blamed for ruining their relationship and causing all the turmoil that had transpired in the past.
This is another part where my counselor came into play. She was the one that finally brought me down to earth and made me realize that it wasn't my fault that my parents were junkies. It's not my fault all hell broke loose. She tried to convince me that I wasn't such a bad person, but I felt brainwashed. After all of the years hearing it, it became a part of me. Like I had accepted the fact that I was worthless. After having several sessions and telling her many a stories of the past, which is very painful for me. She gave me a very strong piece of advice. She said, "Ronnie I want you to say a few words to yourself everyday" I said, "Yeah what are those?" She said, "Wake up each morning and say, I'm Ronnie, I am strong, I am worth it, I like myself". Those words are still a customary thing for me as I wake up in the morning.
To those who go through abuse from parents, bully's at school, siblings. Whatever it maybe, you are not alone. All of what is happening to you right now is not your fault. This is nothing you did. Don't ever blame yourself for what they do to you. The words they say, the physical pain they inflict, the traumatic events that occur. They are not your fault. Don't ever let them convince you that you're not worth it. That you shouldn't have been born.. That you were a mistake. That you never do anything right. I know what you're thinking right now, "Easier said than done Ronnie". I know it is, but there many reasons to build up a block for all of this and make sure they never break you. They never make you hurt. They never make you feel worthless.
Depending on your situation and circumstances there are a few things you can do. If it's related to your parents there are hot lines for your area that can get you removed from the house. Although make that your last option. Group homes and being at another home can cause more confusion and hurt. The first thing I would strongly recommend is finding the nearest trusting family member to maybe take you in so you have a safe place to be. Then maybe if you feel comfortable, telling them because they could help you.
The next thing is a counselor like I did. I am not much of a venting person. As for years I had swallowed and had false fronts and cover ups for my emotions, with a big fake smile on my face. Talking to someone can rebuild some of the damage that has been done. Never give in. Please never resort to abusing yourself, or other demeaning options as they should never be a thought.
Remember you ARE worth it. You CAN overcome. Don't ever let them beat you down. I am always here to help. Never let people have control over your thought no matter how hurtful they are. I hope that all of you out there that are currently are experiencing abuse in any way shape or form realize that there really isn't anything wrong with you. You just have to have someone show you the way.
Author: Scarface (member since November 11th, 2009).